


Only In Dreams

by SeeBeeStrellacott



Category: Cormoran Strike Series - Robert Galbraith
Genre: Book: Lethal White (Cormoran Strike), Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Symbolism, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26748634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeBeeStrellacott/pseuds/SeeBeeStrellacott
Summary: For Whumptober 2020.This work is a collection of dreams and nightmares from various POVs throughout the series.  Chapters are unrelated.Dream imagery is steeped in symbolism.  Just about everything (and I do mean everything) in these stories is symbolic.  Most of the symbolism will be explained at the end of each chapter in an analysis of the dream.  Anything not explained is open for interpretation.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 15
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	1. The Endless Stairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin's POV, sometime in Lethal White before she leaves Matthew.
> 
> For prompts #18 - Panic! At the Disco (panic attacks) and #10 They Look So Lovely When They Bleed (trail of blood)

Blood. All I see is blood. The walls are painted with it. It’s raining down from above. Bright, red, glutinous blood. My nose is filled with its tangy, metallic smell. There are globs, chunks of something I don’t want to examine slowly sliding down the walls. Sticky strings of something resembling intestines drape across the room. 

I look around. I’m in an overly large stairwell. It’s the size of a hotel lobby. The rusted iron stairs wrap around the edge of the large room. I can’t tell how high it goes. I look up and, instead of the ceiling, all I see is darkness. A ghostly green light shines from somewhere around me. It looks like it’s coming from the floor and the walls. It causes the blood to glisten, reminding me it’s still wet.

 _Where did it come from? Where did_ I _come from?_

I hear a noise. It sounds like a slamming door, a clang of metal. I look up, and shadows move in the darkness. The eerie light casts the shadows in all directions, so I can’t tell where they’re coming from. Is it a person? Is there more than one? I’m not sure.

Another clang behind me. I turn, but I don’t see a door. _What happened here?_

I open my mouth to speak, to shout or to call for help, but I have no voice. The noises are getting louder. It sounds like heavy footsteps running towards me. I need to move. I need to get out of here. My only option is up. I rush to the stairs, slipping on the dirty floor. I grab the railing and it’s sticky. I pull my hand away and look at the bloody goo covering my palm and fingers. I wipe it on my clothes, leaving ghastly streaks behind.

I climb and climb until I hear no more footsteps behind me. I feel alone, but this doesn’t comfort me. Instead it makes me feel trapped. I’m locked in an iron cage with no way out. My only hope is to keep climbing. 

The stairs become a maze. They crisscross above and all around me. There seems to be many different sets, all leading in different directions. Some have large gaps where steps are missing; some are barely as wide as my foot; some are moving like escalators. I’m confused, overwhelmed. I don’t know what path to take. I don’t even know where I’m trying to go. All I know is that I need to get out of here as soon as possible. 

I choose the staircase in the middle, for no other reason than it _feels_ like the right one. It’s steep, and has many sharp corners. The railing here is a high stone wall. I can’t see what’s around each corner. I run, but I don’t think I’m making any progress. I swear I’ve passed this exact corner before…

I give up, jumping to another staircase. This one is an escalator, going down. It narrows as it descends. I have to turn sideways, barely able to keep my balance. There are no handholds, nothing to grab onto. I ride it down to a landing and run down one of the hallways that have appeared. There are people but they ignore me. I’m not sure if they can see me. I’m not sure if I want them to see me.

I reach a dead end. I have two options – I can take an elevator up, or I can take a stone staircase down. I don’t like the elevator, but I don’t know why. All I know is, I don’t want those doors to open. I run down the staircase, but the steps smooth into a slide. I’m surfing, sliding, uncontrolled. I have to stop! I don’t want to reach the bottom. I don’t want to go back to the blood covered walls.

I jump to another landing. It looks the same as the one I’ve just left. I have the same options – elevator or stairs. This time I steel myself and choose the elevator. The doors open and I step inside. It’s huge and round. The doors shut, and I realize I’m not alone. The elevator is full of people. They all wear grim faces, as if they’re walking to the gallows. And maybe we are, I don’t know. The elevator begins its climb. I look around, and there are no buttons. I can’t choose a floor. I don’t even know if there _are_ floors.

It’s moving fast, very fast. I realize the walls are actually windows and I can see the streets of London. I’m high above them, higher than the tallest building. Except that I’m _in_ the tallest building. The elevator comes to a stop but the doors won’t open. There’s no button for me to press. I look around, and the people have disappeared. With no one to help me, I bang on the door but it won’t budge. I dig my fingers into the small gap and pull, trying to prize the doors apart. Slowly, inch by excruciating inch, I create an opening large enough for me to squeeze through. I climb out and realize I’m on the roof. The wind whips around me, lifting my hair. I can feel the building swaying. It’s swaying so dramatically, I don’t know how I’m not being thrown off. 

It suddenly occurs to me that whatever was chasing me is still chasing me. I can feel it getting closer. The elevator has disappeared. Once again, I’m trapped with only one escape. I look over the side of the building. I can’t see the ground, but it’s my only option. Without ever deciding to jump, I’m suddenly falling. As I fly through the air, I feel… _free_. For the first time since seeing the blood soaked walls, I’m not afraid. 

I land on my feet. Or rather, I simply stop falling. 

I’m in a field of wildflowers. I see a woman. At least, I think it’s a woman. She has a feral quality about her. Her hair looks dirty, as if covered in white dust. Under the dust, I see a golden, amber color. Like mine. Her clothes are tattered, also covered in white dust. I approach her, but she doesn’t turn. I circle around her, trying to see her face. My view of her doesn’t change. Either she doesn’t have a face, or she’s turning away from me.

This unsettles me. Why doesn’t she want me to see her? I reach out to touch her. This is a mistake. She doesn’t like it. Her head snaps up and suddenly she turns. I gasp and stumble backwards away from her.

Her skin is chalky and pale, almost grey. Her lips are brown and stained. Her eyes are sunken, dark, and wild. She smiles at me, or maybe it’s a snarl. Her teeth are as grey as her skin. She looks…dead. She looks like me.

I turn to run, but she’s in front of me. She cocks her head to the side, laughing at me. I turn to run again. I can hear her laughter. I make it a few steps before stumbling, but I manage to stay on my feet. I look down, only to see that I’ve tripped over her body. I’m frozen, staring at her. She looks like a corpse, still and lifeless. Suddenly she opens her eyes and laughs at me again. That’s when I see why I’ve tripped - she’s grabbed my ankle. Her hand is like a vice around my leg. She pulls me to the ground and towers over me. Her claw-like hands climb up my body, pressing me into the earth. Her hands wrap around my throat and squeeze.

I can’t breathe. I’m choking, gasping for air. She laughs and snarls. I’m sinking into the ground, clutching at her hands, trying to get her to release me. I struggle to draw breath. My vision is growing dark. I must be losing consciousness. I claw at her hands, trying to loosen her grip. I realize why my vision is darkening – dirt is rising over my eyes. And still, the woman doesn’t release her hold on me. Over her shoulder, I see a man in a gorilla mask. He’s watching, just…watching.

The ground swallows me.

***

I wake gasping for air and clutching at my throat. I need you. I need your warmth, your solid strength to ground me. I reach for you, but you’re not there. My bed is empty and cold. I’m all alone. I can’t catch my breath. The panic consumes me.

***

I open my eyes and for a moment I’m disoriented. I was awake, but I wasn’t awake. _Was I?_ Now I am, I’m certain. But you’re still not here. You’re in your own bed, in Denmark Street.

I’m still gasping for air, but my breathing slows. Matt doesn’t wake, and that’s fine. I don’t want him to; it wouldn’t help. He doesn’t calm me when I’m like this, he only makes it worse. So I don’t let him see. I quietly creep to the bathroom and shut the door. I gulp lungfuls of air and splash cold water on my face.

I wish I could call you, talk to you. I want to hear your voice. I _need_ to hear your voice. Somehow, I know you wouldn’t mind if I did call you this late. But I don’t. I don’t want you to see my weakness. 

I pad softly back to bed, but I don’t go to sleep. When I close my eyes, I see the images from my dream. But when my eyes are open, I see the man next to me. His presence gives me no comfort. I crave warmth and touch. I want to be held by strong arms. I snuggle closer to him, desperate for _anything_. 

But he’s not you. It’s your arms I need, your warmth I want. I close my eyes and picture your face. I inhale your scent – smoke, cologne, and peppermint. I snuggle into your chest and you wrap an arm around me, squeezing me tighter. I clutch the soft cotton of your t-shirt in my hand. 

You hold me, and I feel safe.

* * *

The following dream analysis is from www.dreammoods.com

**Blood**

If you dream of blood on the walls, then it is a warning of sorts. There is a situation that you need to confront. You cannot avoid it any longer. 

**Stairs**

To see a staircase in your dream symbolizes change and transformation. 

To see spiral or winding stairs signify growth and/or rebirth.

To dream of an incomplete staircase or steps missing from the staircase implies that you are trying to move on to the next phase or stage without accomplishing all the necessary steps. You are trying to take shortcuts.

To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey. The dream is also analogous to material and thoughts that are coming to the surface. 

To dream that you are walking down a flight of stairs represents your repressed thoughts. You are regressing back into your subconscious. It also refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life. If you are afraid of going down the stairs, then it means that you are afraid to confront your repressed emotions and thoughts. Is there something from your past that you are not acknowledging?

**Elevator**

In general, the up and down action of the elevator represents the ups and downs of your life. It also symbolizes emotions and thoughts that are emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.

To dream that the elevator is not letting you off symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control. It may be a reflection of your life or your career. You are feeling stuck in some aspect of your life, whether it is your career, relationship, etc.

**Roof**

To see a roof in your dream symbolizes a barrier between two states of consciousness. You are protecting or sheltering your consciousness, mentality, and beliefs. The dream provides an overview of how you see yourself and who you think you are.

To dream that you are on top of a roof symbolizes boundless success. 

To dream that you are jumping indicates that you need to take a risk and go for it. You will overcome your obstacles and find progress toward your goals. Consider the metaphors "jumping for joy" to mean thrill and excitement or "jumping the gun" to mean impatience or impulsiveness. The way you feel in the dream will provide additional significance and meaning to your dream. 

**Yourself**

To see yourself in your dream is a reflection of how you act and behave in your waking life. Consider what you are doing and how you are feeling in the dream for additional significance.

To see or dream that you are a zombie suggests that you are physically and/or emotionally detached from people and situations that are currently surrounding you. You are feeling out of touch. Alternatively, a zombie means that you are feeling dead inside. You are just going through the motions of daily living.

To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered.

**Choking**

To dream that someone is choking you indicates that you are suppressing your emotions. You have difficulties in expressing your fears, anger, or love. Consider the phrase "being all choked up". Alternatively, you may feel that you are being prevented or restricted from freely expressing yourself.

**Buried Alive**

To dream that you are being buried alive suggests that you are being undermined or stifled in some way. You are feeling trapped or helpless.


	2. Eyes of Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt #14 - Is Something Burning?
> 
> Strike's POV, sometime after the dinner at Franco's in Lethal White.

I’m in a bathroom. It looks familiar, but different somehow. Everything is dirty, dingy, and tattered. There’s a neglected air about the place. There are grotesque stains on the walls, reminiscent of old blood. I notice a putrid smell, but I don’t know where it’s coming from. It’s the stench of death. Somehow, I know that I need to find the source. It’s as if I’ve been called to this house for that very purpose. 

Looking around, it occurs to me why this place is familiar. It’s the bathroom from Charlotte’s house, the one we shared together. But there are deliberate changes. The sink is on the wrong side, and the toilet is facing the wrong direction.

I suddenly realize that I need to piss. I turn to the toilet, but I don’t want to lift the seat. The toilet is filthy. The bowl is blackened with grime and the seat is streaked with something I don’t want to examine. But the pressure on my bladder is painful. I unzip my jeans to relieve myself anyway, but I can’t. Nothing will come out. I start to panic. _Why can’t I piss?_

For some reason, I blame Charlotte. Bizarrely, I think she must be preventing me from relieving myself somehow. It’s as if she’s put a spell on the room. I turn wildly. What I’m looking for, I don’t know; an end to my discomfort, perhaps. I see the mirror and it calls to me. It’s drawing me in like a lighthouse on the sea. 

I study my reflection. He looks younger and happier. His smile mocks me. Then she walks in. Charlotte. Her smile is full of promise, which fills me with revulsion. She’s looking at my reflection. She runs a hand over his shoulder, and he smiles at her. Then she looks at me and smirks.

I’m suddenly, inexplicably, full of rage. With a roar, I send my fist crashing into the mirror. I cover my head as glass shatters and falls all around me. The house begins to shake and the ceiling begins to crumble and collapse. I run.

I run down the hall, and there’s no pain in my stump. I look down and realize I have no stump. I see my leg, my real leg. The ceiling continues to crumble behind me, so I run down the stairs and down the hall to the kitchen. I open the door, and find myself back at the top of the stairs, next to the bathroom. 

I try the door to the bedroom but it’s locked. There’s a loud creak and a groan as the house reminds me it’s falling apart. I choke on a cloud of dust after a large chunk of ceiling falls next to me. My only option is the stairs. I try again. Instead of running to the kitchen, I try the door to the living room. I once again find myself upstairs, next to the bathroom.

I shout in frustration. Then, appearing through a cloud of dust from another chunk of ceiling is the door to the basement. I know this door. Charlotte’s house didn’t have a basement, but I know this door. I know where it will lead. I don’t want to go, but I know it’s my only chance of escape.

With leaden feet, I walk down the stairs. I move as if in slow motion. My feet feel like they’re stuck to the floor. The house continues to fall apart around me. Now the walls are crumbling into dust. Each step disintegrates after my foot leaves it, but my I can’t get my legs to move any faster. 

Finally, I reach the door and open it, revealing a darkened staircase. I don’t want to face what’s lurking in the depths, but it’s my only choice. I know I can’t stay where I am, with this house disintegrating. With one last look over my shoulder, I charge down the steps into the blackness below, my legs miraculously cooperating.

I freeze at the bottom of the steps. Charlotte is lying motionless on the floor. Her head is bleeding, her body limp. The room is alight with an eerie red glow. There’s a thunderous rushing noise from somewhere, like a massive river. I call to her, but she can’t hear me. She’s wearing a black dress. I think it’s the one she was wearing at the Paralympic reception, but she’s no longer pregnant.

I run to her. I cradle her head and body and call her name once more. I start to sob uncontrollably. I think it’s the sound of my distress that wakes her. She opens her eyes and my heart stops. Her eyes are solid black, like a shark. I drop her and scuttle backwards away from her. She stands in a sinuous, undulating motion, like a snake rising from the grass. 

She speaks my name, her voice silky and sweet. A cold sweat breaks out on my face and neck. When she opens her mouth, I’m hit with another wave of that putrid smell. The smell of death. I back away from her, shaking my head. The red glow intensifies as she smiles at me. 

Suddenly, I start to choke. I can’t breathe. I realize the red glow is fire. It’s all around me, caging me in. The flames lick up the walls and engulf the ceiling. Black smoke billows overhead, choking me and obscuring my vision. I’m trapped. The only thing the fire doesn’t seem to touch is me and Charlotte. It forms a ring around us. Charlotte looks around, terrified. Apparently she’s as surprised by its presence as I am.

She starts to panic, looking for a way out. Oddly, her panic calms me. I realize that I’m not in any danger. The fire doesn’t want to consume me, of that I’m certain. It keeps its distance from me, but not from her. I take a step towards her, and the fire behind her recedes. Interesting. I step backwards, and the fire creeps towards her again. Very interesting. 

Charlotte also notices this. She’s pleading with me, begging me to save her. I watch her panic and her distress impassively. As I study her, the fire dies out, but her panic does not. Her eyes are still darting about wildly, and she continues to plead with me. I notice that the smoke has not disappeared. It continues to billow around the room, but it’s no longer choking me. It’s when I notice that I can still feel the heat of the fire that it occurs to me that it hasn’t burned out. I can just no longer see it. 

Now that flames are no longer climbing the walls, I see that I’m surrounded by eyes. The walls are covered in them, thousands of them. They watch my every move, occasionally blinking at me. Every single one is a brilliant shade of blue. Their blinking seems to be trying to tell me something, but I don’t understand the message.

I hear the rushing of the river again. I turn towards the sound, and there across the room, I find the source. There’s a pool of water dividing the room. The water is calm and still. On the other side stands a horse. I walk towards it, and Charlotte screams. The invisible flames engulf her and she cries in agony. But I ignore her.

The horse is drawing me in. I’m blind to everything else in the room as it pierces me with its knowing eyes. It’s a beautiful creature, with its gleaming chestnut coat and black mane. There is a small white diamond in the center of its head. I long to stroke it.

I walk to the edge of the pool, wanting to get closer to the horse. It stands stoically, watching me with its piercing gaze. I worry that the fire will consume it, but the translucent flames don’t seem to be able to cross the water. 

I notice it’s getting hotter, as if the fire is getting closer to me. It seems I can hold it off no longer. I look into the black water of the pool and back at the horse, as if I’m asking for permission. The horse doesn’t move or respond, it only continues to watch me. From its silent gaze I understand, the water is safe. Without thinking, I dive deep into the dark pool. 

I open my eyes and I’m surrounded by blackness. The only thing I see is the wall of fire, no longer invisible, from above. The fire stops abruptly at the edge of the pool, unable to cross the black expanse. I try to swim to the surface, but I can’t. I can’t move. The pool is pulling me under, deeper into the abyss. Then out of the gloom I see the face of the horse. It’s peering into the water below. Its eyes beckon to me, urging me to the surface. With surprising strength, I kick my feet, surging upwards. 

My head breaks the surface and the horse nudges me with its velvet nose. I cling to its mane and it pulls me from the water. The horse is speaking to me, but I can’t understand what it’s saying. I don’t hear the words with my ears. Instead, it’s as if the horse is speaking directly to my mind. But still, I can’t decipher the message. I look deep in its eyes, willing myself to understand. 

The white marking on its forehead opens, revealing another eye. This eye is larger, human looking, and as brilliant blue as the ones lining the walls. I move closer, looking into the eye. It draws me closer and closer, until I feel myself pitch forward as the pupil dilates and the eye swallows me whole.

***

I wake panting and sweating. I’ve had dreams about Charlotte before, recently even. But this dream was…disconcerting, to say the least. I remember the image of Charlotte – her black eyes, her strange movements, her screams as the flames engulfed her. What I find most alarming is that I was more moved by the presence of the horse than by the fire consuming her. 

The memory of the horse – its eyes – haunts me and confuses me. The unheard message was enigmatic, life altering existentialism. And I have no idea what it said. I sit up and reach for my prosthesis. I can’t sit still. Like an itch that can’t be scratched, the dream nags at me, comprehension dancing just out of reach.

I throw on some clothes and go downstairs, seeking the cool night air. I smoke as I walk aimlessly down Denmark Street. I clutch my phone, wishing it wasn’t so late. I wish I could speak to Robin. I wish I could hear her voice. I wish I could I tell her about my dream. I smile, imagining what “the psychologist” would say.

* * *

The following analysis is from www.dreammoods.com

**Room**

To dream that you are in a room represents a particular aspect of yourself or a specific relationship. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality.

To dream that you find or discover a new room suggests that you are developing new strengths and taking on new roles. You are growing emotionally. Consider what you find in the discovered room as it may indicate repressed memories, fears, or rejected emotions.

**Bathroom**

To dream that you are in the bathroom relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, a bathroom symbolizes purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are having difficulties letting go of old emotions, especially if the toilet is dirty. You are afraid that if you reveal these feelings, then others around you will judge and criticize you.

**Odor**

To smell death in your dream refers to a situation that has long been dead. It is time to stop dwelling on the past and move on.

**Mirror**

To dream of your own reflection in the mirror suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. The reflection in the mirror is how you perceive yourself or how you want others to see you. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of your character. 

To break a mirror in your dream suggests that you are breaking an old image of yourself. You may be putting an end to an old habit. 

**House**

To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect, the basement represents the subconscious, etc. If the house is shifting, then it suggests that you are going through some personal changes and changing your belief system.

To see an abandoned house in your dream implies that you have left behind your past. You are ready to move forward toward the future. 

To see an old, run-down house in your dream represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update your mode of thinking.

**Fire**

Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. If you are not afraid of the fire and it is under control or contained in one area, then it is a symbol of your own internal fire and inner transformation. Something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. If the fire is encircling you and someone else, then it signifies your bond to that person. The two of you share something significant. Alternatively, the dream may be warning you of some dangerous or risky activities. You are "playing with fire".

To dream that a house is on fire indicates that you need to undergo some transformation

Dreaming of an invisible fire highlights a period of cleansing and purification. It is time to make a new start.

Dreaming about fire and water together symbolizes a polarizing issue in your waking life. You are going through an emotional conflict and it is pulling you in two directions.

**Eyes**

If you dream that your eyes are black, then it means that you are indifferent or emotionless. 

To see your own eyes in your dream represent enlightenment, knowledge, comprehension, understanding, and intellectual awareness. Subconscious thoughts may be coming onto the surface.

To dream that you have a third eye symbolizes inner vision, insight, instinct or some psychic ability you have yet untapped. You are able to see what others cannot. Or you need to start looking within yourself and trust your instincts. If you dream that someone has three eyes, then it indicates that you are seeking out their advice. Pay attention to the message that this person is conveying.

To dream about someone else's eyes indicate an emotional or intimate connection with that person. It also signifies a mutual understanding.

**Horse**

To see a horse in your dream symbolizes strength, power, endurance, virility and sexual prowess. It also represents a strong, physical energy. You need to tame the wild forces within.

To see a black or dark horse in your dream signifies mystery, wildness, and the unknown. You are taking a chance or a gamble at some unknown situation.

To dream about a talking horse refers to higher knowledge. Consider the significance of what the horse is saying. If the horse is black, then the message may be coming from your subconscious. You or someone is looking for help, but don't know how to go about getting it. 

**Water**

To see water in your dream symbolizes your subconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment.

To hear running water in your dream denotes meditation and reflection. You are reflecting on your thoughts and emotions. 

To dream of water that is black colored signifies an emotional void in some area of your life.


	3. Deep Blue Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whumptober prompt #13 Breathe In, Breathe Out - delayed drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Robin’s POV, sometime in TB before the fight on Valentine’s Day.

I’m in my room, but in looking around, I see that it’s not really my room. Or at least it hasn’t been in a long time. It’s my old bedroom in my parents’ house. As I look around at my old belongings, I realize there’s nothing for me here. This is all from a life long gone. I go downstairs and find the house is empty and quiet. 

I wander from room to room, but I’m not sure what I’m looking for. Whatever it is, I become more and more certain that I’m not going to find it here. I walk into the living room and I’m surprised to find that there are no walls. Actually, it’s not as if there are no walls at all, it’s more like they’re invisible. I know that they’re there, and it’s almost as if I can see them, but it shimmers like a mirage and then it’s gone. Pictures hang seemingly suspended in midair. I look beyond the walls, but there is nothing; nothing but the rolling expanse of grass and trees. 

The lands that I once found comforting, I now find empty and cold.

I call for my parents or my brothers, but they don’t answer. I try again, louder, but my voice catches in my throat. I try again, but I gag on the sound. My voice has literally caught in my throat. I can feel something stuck, blocking my airway. I can’t breathe! I gasp, but nothing, no air fills my lungs. I try to cough, to remove the blockage but it won’t budge, and still I can’t breathe.

I claw at my throat, desperate for relief. I fall against the corner of the sofa, trying to Heimlich myself. The blockage doesn’t move. That’s when it occurs to me that what’s blocking my throat is my own tongue. If I could only pull my tongue free, I could breathe.

I reach into my mouth and try to grasp my tongue. It’s lodged at the back of my throat and I can’t get a good hold on it. I stick my fingers in farther, trying to reach. Wider and wider I open my mouth, trying to reach the blockage. Finally, my fingers close around the slippery mass. It flexes and writhes beneath my fingers. I pull, and I can feel it dislodge from deep in my throat. I keep pulling, but find I still can’t breathe. I pull my tongue free of my mouth. It shrivels and blackens. Disgusted, I toss it aside.

I expect to be able to breathe now, but I panic as I realize that I still can’t. My chest heaves, trying to draw in precious, healing air. I feel another blockage rising from somewhere deep within me. It fills my throat, pushing up toward my mouth. I open my mouth and water pours forth, running over my chin and down my chest. 

I choke around it, trying to expel it, but more continues to bubble up. I haven’t drawn breath in what feels like ages. I can’t remember my last breath. My lungs ache and burn. 

The water continues to flow from my throat, pooling around my feet. I can feel it soaking through my shoes, rising up my ankles. I choke and splutter as the water continues to flow from my throat. 

The water is rising past my knees now. I try to move, to get out. I know that if I stay here I’ll drown. But my feet won’t budge. I’m glued to the floor. The water continues to rise, past my waist, and up my chest. It laps against my chin. I tilt my head back, trying to keep my head from becoming submerged. I still haven’t been able to draw breath.

I struggle to free my feet to no avail. I splutter one last time before the water rises all the way over my head. I thrash and flail, but I still can’t move.

The house disappears around me. I no longer see the pictures and relics of my family’s home. All I see is grey and dark. I peer into the gloom around me. Light filters in from above, its rays scattering through the water. 

I try to gulp nonexistent air. I wish it would just end. I wish I would just die. I wish I could just drown and get it over with. Death would be a relief compared to this agony.

I see a shape moving in the dark. I can see a glimpse of its form, long and torpedo-like. With the twitch of a tail it disappears deeper into the grey expanse beyond. I think it was a shark. I kick and struggle to free myself. 

The shark turns back toward me. I panic, desperate to break free of whatever is holding my feet in place. Finally, _finally_ , I’m able to kick off from the ground. The shark glides smoothly towards me, and I swim as fast as I can towards the surface.

The shark inclines its head to me, acknowledging my presence and searching me with its fathomless eyes. I’m afraid it might attack me, but it glides beneath me, apparently uninterested. I keep swimming, but another shark appears from the depths. They circle around me, occasionally darting in towards me, taunting me, blocking off my route, but not yet attacking. I get the strange sense that they’re playing a game, as if they’re enjoying my panic. 

I change direction, trying to find a way through but the sharks still dance around me. Eventually, my head breaks the surface and I gulp in precious air. The sharks are still circling around me, their dorsal fins breaking the surface of the water. They’re getting closer to me, bumping into me. I know that I need to get out of here. I can see the shore not far away. If I can just get on land, they won’t be able to get to me.

I start to swim, but I’m slow and the sharks easily follow me, cutting off my path. I ignore them, trying to make them think that I don’t notice them, that I’m not afraid of them. I take a deep breath and dive into the water, trying to bury myself in the gloom.

I dive below the sharks and start to swim towards land. I use my peripheral vision to watch them, circling in the water above me. I dive deeper into the dark when one of them turns toward me. I continue to swim, trying to stay out of their view. They continue to swim around and above me, and I’m unsure of whether or not they can see me. 

I swim faster and faster, easily gliding through the water. I’m close to the shore now. The sharks seem to sense this and they begin to close in on me again. I realize now that there’s more than just two, and I think there’s always been more than just two. The water is full of sharks. Everywhere I look, I see their sleek bodies, their eerily dark eyes, a flash of teeth. 

I let myself sink to the bottom and wait for an opening. Slowly, I creep along the ocean floor, trying not to let the sharks see me moving. Finally, I see my chance and I make a break for it. I swim as hard as I can towards the shore. Suddenly, right there in front of me is a ladder. I climb the ladder as quick as I can. The sharks have realized I’m about to escape and they lunge at me.

I climb steadily, trying not to panic. I’m almost at the surface now. The first shark I saw, that’s been following me all this way, is now right on my heels. I look over my shoulder and I see its mouth open, ready to devour me. It almost looks like it’s smiling. With an almighty effort, I pull myself up the ladder and my head breaks the surface of the water. I pull myself up onto the shore and pull my legs free of the water just before the shark’s mouth can close around my calves. It rolls to the side and looks at me, and for a brief moment I could swear it’s chastising me for not letting it devour me. It sinks back under the dark waves and glides away.

I stand up and take in my surroundings. I’m in a small cove, surrounded on all sides by a high cliff. The cloudy blue waves crash into the shore with a kind of beautiful violence. I close my eyes and inhale deeply, relishing the crisp salty breeze. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

I turn and Matthew puts an arm around my waist. I rest my head against his shoulder, enjoying the peaceful sounds of the violent sea as I dig my toes into the soft sand. When I open my eyes, I see a bag at my feet.

Curious, I open the bag and start to dig through it. Beside me, Matthew begs me to leave it alone. I don’t listen.

The bag is filled with sand, or is it salt? I pick up a handful and inspect it more closely, rubbing it against my fingers. I see that it’s a very fine, soft salt. Stuck into the bag of salt are strips of paper. I pull one out and unfold it. I recognize my own words, my own thoughts. I pull out another strip and it also contains my thoughts and unspoken words. Beside me, Matthew is still begging me to leave it be, to not read any more of the messages.

Suddenly, he begins screaming. I look over, and see that it’s not Matthew, but Morris. He’s screaming in agony and looking at his arms. His arms are covered in the salt. Confused and curious, I pick up a handful of salt from the bag and rub more over his arms. His screams intensify and he drops to the ground in pain. The salt is burning his flesh, like acid. I don’t know why, but I throw some in his face. He covers his face with his hands, trying to wipe the burning salt from his skin, but he’s overcome with pain and falls silent, dead. When his hands drop away from his raw and burned face, I see that it isn’t Morris, and it isn’t Matthew. It’s me. 

I pick up the bag of acidic salt and throw it into the ocean. I stare at my ruined body, lying on the sand. Terrified, I back away and then I turn and run.

***

I open my eyes and stare at my dark room. I’m not frightened from my nightmare, and this disturbs me. It seems like I _should_ be frightened, but I’m not. Instead, I feel confused and irritated. Most bizarrely, I feel guilty. 

I don’t need to have completed my psychology course to know what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I feel the meaning so clearly, from the water bubbling up from my throat, to the messages buried in the burning salt. 

Feeling slightly frustrated, I resolve not to let the “sharks” cause me to destroy myself.

* * *

The following dream analysis is from www.dreammoods.com

**House**

To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. If the house is empty, then it indicates feelings of insecurity. To dream that a house has no walls represents a lack of privacy. You feel that everyone is looking over your shoulder or up in your business.

**Voice**

If you dream that you cannot talk or have difficulties speaking, then it means that you are not expressing yourself effectively. Perhaps you feel that your opinion or words mean nothing to others.

To dream that you are voiceless represents a loss of identity and a lack of personal power. You are unable to speak up and stand up for yourself.

**Throat**

To see your throat in your dream symbolizes the ability to express yourself and communicate your thoughts and ideas. 

To dream that you have a sore throat or have throat problems suggest that you are having problems saying what you really think. You are having difficulties experiencing how you feel and conveying your thoughts. You may feel threatened or vulnerable when you express yourself.

**Choking**

Choking dreams are often a fearful experience and it is not uncommon for dreamers to awaken from them. To dream that you are choking on an object suggests that you may find some advice/remarks/situation hard to swallow or difficult to accept. Alternatively, you may feel that you are unable to completely express yourself in a situation.

**Tongue**

To see your own tongue in your dream represents the things you say and express. You may have either said too much or you may need to express yourself more. The dream may also be a metaphor that you are tongue-tied. You are nervous about verbalizing or communicating some feeling or thought.

To dream that you rip someone else's tongue out indicates that you are extremely upset with something that this person has said, but you are not able to appropriately express your anger. Because you tend to keep your emotions inside, it is finding expression in your dreams in a violent way. 

**Water**

To see water in your dream symbolizes your subconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. It is also symbolic of spirituality, knowledge, healing and refreshment. 

To see muddy or dirty water in your dream indicates that you are wallowing in your negative emotions. You may need to take some time to cleanse your mind and find internal peace.

To dream that water is rising up in your house suggests that you are becoming overwhelmed by your emotions.

**Drowning**

To dream that you are drowning indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed by emotions. Repressed issues may be coming back to haunt you. If you survive the drowning, then it means that a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil. 

**Shark**

To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. 

In particular, if you see a shark in shallow waters, then it means that you are emotionally vulnerable. You are trying to suppress your anger, but it is just too much to keep in.

**Swimming**

To dream that you are swimming suggests that you are exploring aspects of your subconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

To dream that you are swimming underwater suggests that you are completely submerged in your own feelings. You are forcing yourself to deal with your subconscious emotions.

To dream that you are swimming away from someone or something indicates that you are avoiding some deep emotional issue. You are refusing to acknowledge and confront your feelings because it may be too painful or too fresh. In particular, if you are swimming away to escape danger or death, then it suggests that you are letting fear take over your actions. You are afraid of change.

**Gray**

Gray indicates fear, fright, depression, ill health, ambivalence and confusion. You may feel emotionally distant, isolated, or detached. Alternatively, the color gray symbolizes your individualism.

**Afraid**

To dream that you are afraid indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence in your waking life. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.

**Ladder**

To dream that you are climbing up a ladder suggests that you have reached a new level of achievement. It is symbolic of prosperity, hard work and your efforts. Consider also the phrase of "climbing the social ladder" in which you have achieved a promotion, a higher status, more power, or an important goal. 

To dream that you escape by means of a ladder signifies that you will be successful after much struggle and obstacles.

**Salt**

To see or taste salt in your dream represents a new found flare in your waking life. You are experiencing increased worth and a higher sense of zest and vigor. Alternatively, salt symbolizes dependability, truth, and dedication. Also consider the phrase of throwing salt on an open wound. The dream may thus elude to some painful or difficult memory.

**Acid**

To see acid in your dream represents feelings of hatred, rage, and/or revenge. Your integrity may be compromised or called into question. Alternatively, seeing acid in your dream indicates that you are being manipulated by a situation or by someone. The dream may also be a metaphor to symbolize a negative influence in your life. Something or someone is eating away at you. 

**Death**

To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. You are undergoing a transitional phase and are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Although such a dream may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm as it is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something. 

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying. Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation. You are desperately trying to escape from the demands of your daily life.

To see someone dying in your dream signifies that your feelings for that person are dead or that a significant change/loss is occurring in your relationship with that person.


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